|
Rated: PG-13, for a naughty word.
Category: Mulder Angst, POV, Vignette, Post-Ep.
Spoilers: Duane Barry, Ascension
Feedback: Willingly taken into consideration at
patfiler2016@utlook.com
Archive: Gossamer, any other nice home. Please
ask.
Disclaimer: Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox
Studios own all characters and the show.
Here goes. They say keeping a Journal helps a person
keep things in perspective, and that when you read
the things you wrote at a later date, you come to
grips with things that have bothered you, and
remember fondly those things that were precious,
happy, or enlightening.
Perhaps this will help me sometime when I need to
understand how this fits into the equation of things.
I have been on a personal crusade for so long, I've
lost sight of many things most people take for
granted anyway, and I have definitely not stopped
to smell the roses. I feed the fish, clean out the
filter once in a while, and check on the pH balance.
Still, much of the time, they are here and I am out
either on a case or looking for... looking for...
Scully.
She was brought in to watch me and she stumbled upon
something that was meant to be hidden. But everything
she has seen so far began to persuade her that there
was some merit to the things I have long thought to
be going on with the D.O.D. and the N.S.A.
Courtesy of Duane Barry "they", whoever "they" are,
have either killed her or are holding her for some
reason I have yet to find. I wonder sometimes if
she is with my sister, Samantha. I also wonder if
she is alive.
Since she's been gone, I don't think I've felt alive.
It was the same feeling as when Samantha disappeared
or was taken. I felt the same numb feeling when
Scully was taken by Duane Barry. Now, everyday I
search for her, and I keep my eyes and ears open.
I put out word almost every damn place in the
country that I am looking for this woman who
has become increasingly essential as a colleague,
as well as a friend.
There is a frightening sense of grief I feel when I
go to the office and spend a whole day without seeing
her, without being opposed on some issue. I feel
empty.I filled the emptiness for one brief night with
a woman who thought she was a part of some un-holy
trinity. For one night I felt alive again, and she
and her house went up in flames. Ironically, the
little gold cross of Scully's survived that fire,
and it was returned to me. A sign not to stop
searching for its owner.
On I go. Day to day hoping that I will someday be
able to give that gold cross to Scully. Perhaps her
mother believes I will find her more than I believe
it.
A part of me can't help but wonder if someone is
holding her, or has killed her, to punish me. Make
someone I'm getting close to dissappear, and maybe
I'll forget the reason I took this job at the X-Files Office.
Well, I won't let anyone believe they have punished me
for peering through the blinds of deceit and manipulation
of information I so desperately want to tear open.
I owe a lot to Scully. I owe it to her to find her
and hopefully find her alive. If those bastards have
hurt her in any way I will hunt them down like wild
game. There is not a place I wouldn't look for
Scully, and there is no place the culprits can hide.
Each morning, I rise, look at myself in the mirror,
and I know I face a rough road ahead. The journey
is already taking its toll. For each time I find a
new path that may lead me to find that woman, it is
also a chance to find peace. Some day, I hope I
will find even greater peace when I find Samantha.
I want to believe Sam and Scully are alive. I want
to believe that there is a rational explanation for
all that we have seen; for all that has happened. I
want to believe that there is a just end to their
suffering, as well as my own.
Until then I am desperately seeking.
END
|
