Rated: G

Category: AU, Fan fiction Spoof

Spoilers: None

Feedback: Warmly received at: patfiler2016@outlook.com

Archive: Gossamer. Anyone who would like it please write to
me so I can convince you to have your head examined...



Okay, loyal readers and writers of X-Files Fanfiction, Mulder and
Scully have begged... nagged... bugged me into addressing an
issue they feel is so-o-o-o-o-o important that they want our
attention. Shut up, Mulder. I heard that. Did you people hear what
he just said? That's right, "Dammit, get on with this! We've waited
long enough for someone to address our concerns on this issue,
and you aren't going to write any other story torturing us or having
us probed before you tell them all what we feel needs to be attended
to!" Did I tell you he meant newbies to X-Files Fanfic reading and
writing as well as the veterans?

Without further ado...

OCTOBER 28, 2006

It had been years, really, since X-Files Fan fiction became common
on the internet. Since about 1994, people were writing stories about
their favourite characters in all kinds of situations. Mulder Scully
Romances were quite popular, and who could beat a good, thrilling
case file?

There were the humourous stories and the heart-wrenching angst
stories. In Fanficland, Mulder had discovered the world of fan fiction
long before Scully.

In Fanficland, the characters are in all different seasons, types of
stories and time periods. At any rate, Scully did discover it through
Mulder, and they frequently looked in on the various websites and
forums that hosted these stories. Mulder often went out to poke
writers wherever they were and whatever they were doing, just to
keep the characters alive after the TV version of The X-Files had been
cancelled. Poke, you ask? Really, it's a gentle nudge to get the writers
doing stories. Scully, Krycek, Skinner, Fowley, C.G.B. Spender, Jeffery
Spender, even Bill Mulder were all in on it.

As Scully was perusing some stories that dated back to 1995, she began
to shake her head as she viewed the various offerings on the Fanficland
office computer. It was the Mulder and Scully Office, and it was timeless.
"Mulder? Take a look at this."

Mulder left his file cabinet and looked at the screen. "Yeah. Another story
that has us in deep danger. A good one, too, if memory serves me
correctly."

"Yes, but look at this phrase, Mulder. In all its variations, it's occurred at
least 5,000 times in stories at Gossamer alone."

Mulder followed the cursor which led to the sentence to which Scully was
referring. "The offending object." He smiled a little leering smile, like one
Donna Honeycutt sometimes gives him. "5,000 times? Really? That's
almost as many times as we've..."

"Don't look so hot right now, Mulder. This is serious. It's an outright sin.
This... this phrase, 'offending object', 'offending device', 'offending piece of
technology. It's annoying."

Mulder put his hands on his hips and thought about it. "Well, I guess it is
annoying to those who read all those stories frequently, but I think you're
making too much of this, Scully. Maybe you should get a thicker skin."

Scully just shook her head as she looked up from the screen. "Oh I think
this merits our investigation."

"That's right," Mulder replied as he grabbed his jacket. "And while you're
doing that I'll just go and poke a few of the newer writers. You know, let
them know we're waiting for more stories from them. Sort of 'cheer-
leading', you know."

"Wait right there, Mulder." Scully stood and her mood was less than cheery.
"We're going to go through these stories together and write up a statistical
analysis of the prevalence of that annoying string of words, categorize the
objects which are referred to, and get the word out that WE ARE NOT
AMUSED."

"You look so hot when you're angry..."

"Can it! Now, put your jacket back on that rack and let's get down to work.
This could take a long time."

Mulder's smile faded. "Yes, Ma'am."

Five days later, they had recorded every reference to "the offending object" and
had listed them in various categories. That's the night they decided to pull one
of their visits on me, and it wasn't pretty. Well, I must admit to having used that
annoying phrase maybe once or twice since I started writing X-Files stories.

"Well, why pick on me?" I asked. "Frankly, I can think of a lot of others who would
be more than happy to take on a story suggestion with this habitual use of those
words!"

Mulder bent over my shoulder just a bit too close for comfort. He was going to go
for the mouse, open up a couple of my stories and erase them, I figured.
However, I was wrong.

"We want you to make this very clear, Miss 'Postcard From Fanficland'. We think
this is a crime, and we want you to help us put an end to it."

"I'd rather put you into a snake pit for a couple of paragraphs and have you scared
out of your skin." I laughed. "I need an idea for a story, and I'm brainstorming... Say,
could Scully get you away from a boa constrictor?"

"Oh, we'll create a storm in your brain, all right." Scully. Was she threatening me?

I thought about the consequences of letting them into my files, my mind, even
what they'd have me writing while I was tired, and I couldn't handle the sight of
Mulder in a Superman suit and having all those flames on the internet and in my
mailbox.

I said, "All right. Give me what you've got and I'll see what I can do. It'll take a while,
but if you really want me to do this. I will. Do your parents know about this?"
I chuckled.

"Every one of them," Mulder said seriously. "They're not impressed with those
words, either. Even Diana thought it was overly-used."

"Her," Scully muttered, eyes ablaze with resentment.

"So, what's 'the offending object', people?"

Scully handed me a folder full of sheets bearing statistics of frequency of
occurrence, peak years, months, days, times, and all sorts of data I didn't
even learn about in mathematics at the high school level.

"More than one offending object. Great." Somehow, I wasn't looking forward
to seeing those words so often, either, but the story titles and authors were
there right before my eyes.

Three days had passed and I was still up to my eyeballs in fics that contained
references to 'the offending object', 'the offending piece of technology', 'the
offending device', you get the idea. I was taking a break from looking over all
the places these phrases were mentioned, when Mulder confronted me again.

"Well?"

"Aw, c'mon. I need a break from this. I have a terrific idea for... "

"It's time." Uh oh, he was staring down at me and not too kindly.

"All right," I whispered. "Damn, I'm tired. I'll take care of it. Give Scully my
regards."

"Just do it." In that black leather jacket he just... You know. I couldn't resist.
Besides, he and Scully were going to prod me forever if I didn't take care of
their problem.

Scully found that there were at least 700 references to alarm clocks, 852
references to land line phones, 1,261 references to cell phones, and 133
references to beepers (in pre-X-Files stories), and even 565 references to
urgent chat messages and e-mails that had Mulder and Scully furious. To
top that off, I remember reading that was one of the major complaints many
of us had about fan fiction, sometimes surpassing our disdain for the repetitive
motel room "Can't avoid it any longer" scenarios and even over-use of ellipses!

Mulder and Scully wanted me to convey to you their irritation of the overly used
phrases about offending objects. Well, I'm going to post this story, but I feel I've
been coerced and... No! It's not possible! Fanficland characters do not have
chat capability with our computers! So, in order not to ruin the rest of my night,
I'm going to bring this story to a close and as I see it's from HIM under the
name "FanficFox", heh heh, I'm going to shut this offensive device down... Yes,
the nerve of him posting it as Kidfic!


END