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Rated: PG-13
Category: Vignette, Humor, Myth Arc (just a tiny bit).
Feedback: Yes, please, at patfiler2016@outlook.com
Archive: Yes to Gossamer. I post my own stories, at
other places. If anyone wants it, please ask me via email.
This is a mostly dialogue story, written purely in jest.
It's too hot for serious Mulder/Scully X-Files angst,
paranormal phemomena and mothership sightings, missing
evidence and dangerous cases.
TWO BLOCKS FROM FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, DC
Well, here they were again. Two imposters in the upper
echelons of that wonderful FBI, in senior positions and
needing a little fresh air.
"Nice suit," the greying man commented, as he lit a Morleys.
"You like it? Kelsey, I think these things are ridiculous
in the warmer weather. Well, at least they had the brains
to develop air conditioning. Are you still going to Vegas
next week?"
"No." The young thin blond man didn't seem pleased.
"Oh, French Vanilla. You forgot the sugar. So why not?
We're all due for a little fun, if you get my drift."
The younger man took a puff of his cigarette and exhaled
rather abruptly. "They think it would be in my best
interests to attend that seminar on the ship in Oregon.
Dammit, Davidson, they're getting so anal."
"Yeah. But this isn't like forever. We've got a job
to do, the best strategy is slow and steady, yada yada
yada. Oh, I did try to call my wife back home. Did I
mention that?"
"Hell, over and over ad nauseum at the theater last night.
Did you finally get a hold of her?"
"Communications are down."
"Bummer."
"So, watching over Mulder and Scully again?"
"Yeah. You know, I think they're a lot like our people."
"I think you need that seminar more than I do. You know
we have a real job to do and a deadline to meet. Mulder
and Scully are on the other side, remember?
"No, seriously, Kelsey. It isn't enough we're fighting
the usual idiots from across the galaxy, now we're watching
humans take showers, call their families and investigate
weird stuff that's in their realm, but they don't see
it. It drives me crazy. At least I've got the strip club
downtown. No surveilance, just sheer delights."
"You have no morality, Davidson. Remember all those rules
we were taught as kids?"
"Well, yeah. Much the same as here, really. Hey! Let's
book some time for golf next Saturday. Heck, we need the
fun. Every time we try to remind the senior officers
from back home that we need the reality check and fun,
they threaten to leave us to the Bounty Hunters. It's
worse than an episode of 'America's Worst Bosses', speaking
of Denby. The World's Biggest Pain In The Butt."
"You don't want to get them pissed off. There's one
thing I really hate about those seminars, besides the
film footage of bees and their uses, and that's the
damn cheerleading. Get this: I questioned the usefulness
of that, when we know we're going to win, and they assigned
me to clean out the bodily waste disposal units. How was
I to know that Bertram had eaten a damn twelve inch steak
the night before and had been in there? Somebody tell him
about Beano!"
"Yeah, the meat does strange things when we digest it.By
the way, who is that female I saw you with this morning
at the desk?"
"Debbie. We've been going out for three months. She's
so into fun! We laugh, share private little jokes and... "
"Wait! She's human. You don't want to be cleaning out
the kybos again or worse yet, have them leave you to the
Bounty Hunters. Anyway, how do you keep the human form
if you happen to sleep with her?"
"Viagra. Believe it or not, it stabilizes my form, and it
has another use... "
"Hahahahaaaa! I can't believe how crazy this is! WE don't
need it for its intended us on the homeworld. Oh no... "
"What? You look like you've just seen a spleanadod."
"Jenkins over there. He's picked up on us. Can't be good."
"Grab your bodlily waste disposal unit brush."
"No more French Vanilla coffee."
***
Five days later, Kelsey and Davidson were charged with
insubordination on the nearest mother ship and executed.
But one thing was for sure: Mulder, Scully and the other
humans had grown on them, and reminded them of fun and
their yearning to be back on their homeworld.
END
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