Pattie's Pocketful of X-Fics

Vice Verses Encountered

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Rated: PG-13

Category: Vignette, H, Mulder POV

Spoilers: None. Sequel to Vice Verses.


Feedback: Warmly received and answered at:
patfiler2016@outlook.com. Suggestions always welcome!

Archive: Gossamer. Anyone else please ask me politely.




"All I ask is a break from the constant scrutiny upstairs.
Just this once, let us handle our work and be good little,
superb, crime solving employees of Uncle Sam's and without
the sneers and reviews." I am sick of the OPR, and Scully
is just as sick of them. My head is pounding. "Can you
please get me the Guiness file?"

"Sure. Mulder, are you okay?" Dr. Scully at my service.

"Yeah. Just a bit pissed off at Skinner and the big guys,
that's all. I'll take a Tylenol if it gets any worse. The
Guiness file?"

"Coming up."

She's over there going through my mess of a filing system.
I know Scully properly alphabetizes them when we're sitting
here with a clear desk, but when have we been home lately,
let alone free of clutter?" Oh no. Please, God, no.

Guiness under G. G for guilt, too, if I remember correctly.
Maybe she won't find it. She has the file. Good. She shoves
the file drawer closed and she's turning to walk toward me
with that case file. She's on her way and... Something
just fell out of that folder, and I recognize it. I stand
and begin to walk over to her... "I'll get that, Scully!"
She can't see it. She can't. I have my pride.

"Relax. I'll get it. If you've got a headache, you sure
don't need to bend down and make it worse." She's smiling
and I am now dreading her reading that piece of paper.

Damn. She picked it up. "Scully, that's part of the Guiness
file I just shoved into the drawer in a hurry. Give it
to me?"

"It's okay. Sit down and relax. You'd think I'd just
discovered the blueprints for Fort Knox and your break-in
plan or something. Really, you need to take it easy, Mulder.
You've been under a lot of stress, I think. Oh... what's
this?"

My hands are over my eyes, and the pounding in my head just
hit a new level of indescribable pain. 'Mom, I know you
caught me putting ants in the sugar bowl, but don't... '
Uh oh. Through my fingers I see she's about to break out
laughing, but then she's about to yell in absolute unabashed
anger. Smile. Frown. Smile. Frown. Amused raised eyebrow.
'Just let me have it good and get it over with, Scully.' I
look at her with eyes that plead for mercy. At least I hope
they do.

"Well, well, well. Doing a bit of character analysis on
ourselves, are we, Mulder? And I thought you had resolved
years ago to deny all nasty little quirks."

"You came, you saw, you had a good chuckle. Now give that
to me along with the Guiness file and we can forget the whole
thing."

"Here's the Guiness file." Playing it for all it's worth. Like
blackmail almost. Waving it in the air as I have the Guiness
file in my hands. Can't even reach to get it, because she's
hedging my every move. "Sit down and relax. I won't tell
a soul. You know that." That is a playful smile. It is not
a smile of sincere reassurance or satisfaction guaranteed
for Fox Mulder, regardless of his shortcomings.

"Can't tell what you can't read. Please, Scully. I really
have a bad headache. Just let me have the piece of paper
and I'll forget that you dropped your robe that night in
Bellefleur. Shameless rookie recruit. You hardly knew me!"

Yeah," she chortled, "I was a shameless hussy. This is so
priceless."

"No it isn't. Name your price."

"Are you that ashamed, Mulder? Offering to bribe a Federal
Agent is a criminal offence... " She's practically singing
the words.

My stomach sinks, and my head is going to explode. "Please
just give it to me."

"Uh uhh." She swings it away from me again. "Fourteen items
on the list. I'm impressed, Mulder. Such introspection.
Accurate? Well, I'll have to read more closely. Don't you
have the Guiness file to go over?"

I can't believe I'm walking back to my chair like a bad, bad
puppy caught tearing up the flower bed. Should have wrestled
her for it.

"WILD GOOSE CHASES... " She's nodding and smiling. "Yeah,
truer words were never spoken. They're thrilling, aren't
they?"

"Don't ask me. I only work here." Maybe I can call security
to have it removed from her hands and taken to the
incinerator, but all of them are able to read, and I bet at
least two or three of them would actually either hold it for
ransom or sell it to someone upstairs. No, I am not being
paranoid. "Enjoying ourself are we?"

"Yup." She looks so downright truthful and matter-of-fact.
Who's diaries does she read? What DOES she do with all those
Saturday nights anyway? Listen in on intimate discussions
through her apartment walls? I have never thought of her as
a person who did things out of prurient curiosity. "And
that's just the first of many things I believe I shall enjoy
reading here. Or maybe not."

Well, that makes me feel better. Not. I valiantly smile at
her in the hope that she will not go any further.

"Don't get your hopes up yet, though. I could use a break
from the memos, cross-referenced files and autopsy reports.
Well, I'm not really one to torture anybody. Mulder,
whatever your vices are, that is your business. I know I
shouldn't tease you about them. Do yourself a favour: store
these kind of things in a journal and lock them up." Just
like that, she puts the sheet on my desk.

"You mean... you don't want to go over every one of them with
me and get your jollies?"

"Well, no. Your innermost thoughts and secrets are really
none of my business, Mulder. But if you want to invite me
for a beer to discuss them in detail... "

"No, no. Thanks for doing the right thing, Scully. At least,
now I know you won't be showing them to Skinner and his
superiors."

"Do yourself another favour? Don't keep these kind of things
at the office! You KNOW you can't afford pieces like this
getting out if you want to keep the X-Files, and as far as
the innuendos... "

"What was that?" I'm smiling because she just put her foot
into her mouth. "Go on... Just remember, no one knows about
that night you dropped your robe in front of me in
Bellefleur. Shameless hussy. You barely knew me. What
innuendos?"

"... The innuendos that you'll... Now Listen!" The look on
her face tells me I'm about to be read 'The Riot Act: Scully
Version'. "Well I can't say I don't know all your quirks
by heart already, so even if I remember all the headings on
your list, I... guess we should... get back to work. Right?"

I nod throughout her staggered speech, smiling all the way
through. "I guess so." So, who's sorry now? I think I got
her.

"Besides," she says, as she sits at her work table, "I never
know when the next wild goose chase is coming, the spate
of injuries, the wrecked rental cars, the late night calls
and the paranormal investigations are coming my way. So I
should count my blessings, finish up here, and go straight
home and rest. Which I normally would do despite the threat
of being accused of dropping my robe in front of you on
our first assignment together... "

Oh peachy. "Yeah. Well, I really am a pain. Granted, this
whole thing is a specious argument. I'll put the list into
a much more secure place. Who knows who could find it next?"

"Okay. Back to business. Personally, I never write out a
list of my oddball habits. I own them and choose not to
analyze them."

"Like in your Journal?" She didn't think I knew about that?
She carries it on every case. It's not just her Field
Journal. It's her personal Journal.

Silence. Not another word. It's not that she's refusing to
talk to me. She just doesn't want to admit that she, too,
has a few things going on in her mind that may or may not
be so pure and pristine.

Peace at last. Except for the damn headache. Maybe another
hiding place is what I need for that list...

"By the way, Mulder, a Mr. Costello called while you were in the
men's room. He says you have three of those videos overdue... "
Oh no...


END

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