|
Rated: G
Category: MSR, SA, post The Truth.
Spoilers: Nothing Happened Today
Summary: Scully remembers the day she last saw
Fox Mulder before he went missing. She remembers
it all too often at this juncture, so her journal is her only
refuge. Warning: She'll have to give up William soon.
Another story.
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, William, The Lone Gunmen
and the whole fandamly belong to Chris Carter, 1013
Productions, and Fox Studios. Do we as North
Americans still own our own feelings? Good. Nice
to know something's left.
DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN.
10:00 p.m.
As I begin this entry, William has settled after a
very trying day. His first tooth is trying to cut through
and my poor little guy is in pain.
Tonight, I realize I've been in so much pain for the six
months Mulder has been gone. Fleeting anonymous
internet encounters, through anonymous temporary
accounts no longer encourage me. I see myself in the
mirror in the morning looking truly drawn, lost, depressed.
I know he'll keep himself safe and I pray so for him each
night.
He says to keep William close to me so he can feel him,
too. I'm planning to wean William in another month or so
because my new partners need my help. I need to stay
working to keep my mind occupied. My mother will be
around guarding William as I put the work clothes back
into service. Thank God she doesn't despise me after
all the years of losses, pain, worry and suffering.
She says Moms never run out of love: they refill themselves
everyday. And so I find my love for William growing and filling
me up to overflowing. My love for Mulder is permanent and
still growing.
After I brought William home, and settled in, the Lone Gunmen
visited me briefly, bringing gifts and well-wishes. Mulder and I
discussed the dispostion of his belongings and furniture. Luckily,
I get to look after the fish. While they were doing the nighttime
manouvering, Mulder stayed by my side. We talked all night, I
fed William, and Mulder was lying beside me as I slept between
three-hour interval feedings.
When I awoke, it was 6:37 in the morning, and he was gone.
We said our good-byes all night. I was still healing, but I would have
loved to have had him completely for one more time before I ever
had the chance again.
The whole day seemed more tearful for me than for William, who
only needed his cuddles, feedings and changings. The worst part
of all was that I had to say to everyone who called, came to the door
or left messages from work: he left. That's all. He left. Did I know
where he went? No. Did he tell me anything? No. I felt so unfaithful to
myself and God lying like that. Perhaps to lie to save a life is not a
sin.
As I wiped my eyes and changed the bedsheets, I found an envelope
under a pillow on which he had rested his head hours earlier.
Dear Dana,
I can't encourage you enough to my own satisfaction, to show you we
will be together and safe again. Please pray for me as I know you
always have, always will. I know you'll guard our beautiful son as a
mother bear guards her cubs. I am no e.e. cummings, or William
Shakespeare, but I want to express my feelings for you the old-
fashioned way. I did write it as you slept.
IT'S JUST FOR NOW
When I walk through that door
It's just for now.
When you feel lost and lonely
It's just for now.
Our hearts will pine in angony.
It's just for now.
Wherever I go I'll be with you,
Your heart with mine.
We're fighting for a future now!
All will be fine.
All the love in my heart to both of you,
Fox (Daddy).
To this day I keep that poem with me, even going out
with William. When I go back to work, it will be with me.
I will even put a copy in our son's baby book and one
on the wall in my room in a special frame.
Each time I feel lost and lonely, I'll remember: It's Just
For Now.
Well, I thought Scully deserved a stand alone for a
change!
Would that some of the men in my life would write me
poetry. I might swoon!
|
