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Rated: PG-13, inferred swearing.
Category: Story, H, UST.
Spoilers: None. Who can spoil anything for anyone by now?
Set this in Season 7.
Feedback: Warmly received at patfiler2016@outlook.com
Archive: Gossamer. Others please ask if you want it.
Disclaimer: Chris Carter's, Ten Thirteen's and Fox's.
They cannot sue me. I am a pauper.
DENSE FOREST
SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA
The pilot of the small plane announced, "We're about to land.
Fasten your seatbelts."
Bill Mathers was the FBI Academy instructor who was taking
Mulder and Scully out for a refresher course in crime solving.
Those were Kersh's orders. Signed, sealed and delivered.
Mulder felt around for his seatbelt, and Scully hadn't bothered
to unfasten hers since they had left the last airport.
"Mathers, I'd prefer you'd tell us where we're going," Mulder
remarked. "I know I investigate the unknown and all, but three
airports and three blindfolded trips aren't our idea of
starting out on the right foot."
"Well, you DO both have survival skills, you've been through
hell and back, so I have every confidence you and Agent Scully
here will figure this assignment out and pass with flying
colors -- not flying saucers."
Scully wasn't amused. "We have considerable experience, and
your little exercise, wherever you're taking us... I'm sure
we'll be able to live up to your expectations. But Bill, that
last remark wasn't necessary."
"Maybe he just had to get it out," Mulder whispered. "One
of Tom Colton's friends. Or the last one."
"Hmm... well, I'll wish you good luck and you know we don't
leave our agents completely helpless for very long. You'll be
monitored. Remember, we'll be timing you, measuring your
success based on your use of the evidence, and your summaries
submitted to us twenty-four hours after this is complete. Now,
let's get this show on the road."
Mulder replied in his humorless tone, "Hear that, Scully? A
road show."
Scully's body tensed as she sensed the plane descending.
"Miles away from any road, no doubt."
After the plane landed, and Mathers removed their blindfolds,
the pair assessed their surroundings.
"Deep woods," Scully declared.
"Good bye, and good luck!" The instructor was back in the air
quickly, and waved as the plane climbed above the tall pines.
"I'm guessing the state of Washington," Mulder decided. "It's
too soon to tell, but I doubt it's the Sierra Mountains of
Nevada. Too damp."
Scully re-adjusted her backpack. "Well, at least we have our
compasses. I suppose we should look around for our first clue.
Did they have to choose a scavenger hunt?"
"I guess it was either that or blind man's bluff. Look at it
this way: We're good at what we do, and rookies wouldn't be
sent out for something like this. We're advanced students."
They stood right where they had been dropped off, and looked
around.
"There! On that tree, Mulder. I think it's our first clue."
She took a plastic covered piece of cardboard off of a bush
and handed it to Mulder. "You do the honors." As she put the
plastic in her pocket, she explained: "Reduce, reuse,
recycle."
"And the winner is... 'North you go for fifty feet, past this
cedar in the peat. When you get to fire struck timber, read
some more. And best be limber.' Who'd guess anyone at the
Bureau was a poet?"
Scully smiled at the silliness of it all. Venturing through
some forest on a drill, and receiving rhyming clues. "Just
be glad it didn't have to be sung by me."
Fifty feet later, they saw a burned out old tree, which had
likely suffered a lightning strike. This time, Scully read
the clue: "Now you've found the second clue. Hope you wore
a darn good shoe. Jump that log just left of this tree, and
ninety feet northeast go read what you see."
"Jump? Easy enough, but who's going to notice if we climb
over it?" Mulder quipped.
"He did mention we would be monitored. I suspect they want
to test our willingness to follow instructions."
Mulder rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Well? C'mon, Mulder. Jump. You might need to break my fall."
So, Mulder jumped. It wasn't that bad, really. "Kind of a
shock to the spine. That thing's at least three feet in
diameter and I landed three feet down on solid rock."
Scully readied herself. "Thanks for the warning, partner."
She managed the jump quite well, considering her height, and
felt the brunt of the leap in her thighs. She bent over and
massaged them, then straightened up. "Let's go. Ninety feet
north east."
Mulder read his compass and led the way. In a tiny clearing,
another plastic covered card had been placed on a spruce
trunk. "Well, would you like to read what the bard has
composed, or shall I?"
"Your turn, Mulder. Inflection counts."
"Thanks, teach. 'Third and last verse for you. Here is a list
for you. West from here on, and cards will be gone.' Scully,
I was right. It's a scavenger hunt. Take a look at the list."
"Left clavicle, change purse, broken branch eleven millimeters
in circumference pointing to the left, ten dollar bill, small
boy's tattered blue running shoe, two plastic wrapped American
flags, two ball caps, four candy bars, two bottles of water... "
"Are you sure we're on an assignment or a Sunday School
picnic?"
"I'm sure we're on an assignment, Mulder. To continue: Two
mile hike after last item."
Mulder saw no real skills test in all this. "Scully, just what
investigative riches do they intend to assess in our intrepid
intellects? How to pick up goodies?"
"Well, I wouldn't call a clavicle a 'goody', but we should get
going. It's past ten, cold, and I'm hungry."
"Yeah. How dare they get us up at four in the morning just to
do this arduous, mysterious case file? Well, we may as well
get going, evaluation or no evaluation."
"Maybe they have victims, Mulder. Staged just for this or not,
I'm guessing either kidnapping or missing persons. Perhaps
murder. One or more victims."
"What about the candy bars and the water, Scully?"
"I have no idea. The last item is rather amusing: Ninety-nine
red balloons."
"Where does it say that? Give that to me!" Mulder snatched
the card out of Scully's hands, and she had to chuckle over
his child-like behavior. "It DOES say that, but only after
seventy-five blue baloons and eighty white ones. And they want
us to carry all this stuff? In an investigation into something
that could well be dangerous, or at least a simulation of a
dangerous case? And they think I'M warped."
"Well, warped one, we've had enough of a rest. Let's get going
and just hope we don't run into bears or something else."
A voice suddenly startled them. Someone had a bullhorn.
"You are on the clock, may I remind you."
"Mathers, shut the... "
Scully grabbed Mulder's elbow and led him away."I wouldn't
bother. That's insubordination. We lose points. C'mon. Hey,
C'mon."
"I could have gone for a team building seminar, given the
choice." Mulder picked up an old branch and used it as a
walking stick.
"No you couldn't. You hate those things. You love to look
into the unknown, the unexplained and you're a profiler.
That's why they gave us this, Mulder. You might also need my
medical expertise to assess evidence."
"Like balloons. No, Scully, I'd really prefer to be up to my
ears in green biological toxins or sneaking around Area 51.
Now THAT would be a great training assignment. Snooping
around that place."
"That's off limits and you know it!" Scully scolded, smiling.
"But a much better use of my time." Mulder was becoming
disgruntled. "I don't think... "
"Well, Mulder, this is about US, not just you, and as far
as... "
Mulder pointed ahead. "Look. Down there on the ground."
Scully picked up what looked to be a collar bone-shaped object.
"A clavicle. It's kind of small to be that of any human's.
Hmm, for a moment, I could have sworn I smelled somebody's
secret recipe ingredient. It's been stripped clean of flesh,
but I'll put it in my backpack anyway, for further analysis."
"You're not serious."
"About the smell? Yes. About the further study... I'm not sure."
She she placed it into her backpack, she looked around.
"We'd better get going. I'm sorry this isn't your kind of case,
Mulder, but orders are orders, I'd rather be at Quantico going
over autopsy techniques. Let's not argue about it. One of
the goals is to work co-operatively and professionally. You
lead this time."
Mulder produced his compass. They were back into deep
woods, and were careful walking through them. "There's your
treebranch."
Scully investigated further. "It sure looks like it. Well, on to the
next object."
The agents walked for at least a half hour before they found
the little blue running shoe and the change purse.
"Definitely not fresh or recently worn," Scully decided. "I
still don't know if this is a murder or a missing person's
case. As for the plaid change purse, it looks relatively new."
"Maybe there's a Walmart somewhere in the area, Scully. Look
in the change purse. According to the list, we may have missed
something back there, or it just might be in the purse."
Sure enough, there was a ten dollar bill. Scully waved it in
the air. "I'll keep it safe. We might need it for that Walmart."
"Yeah, right. How far away from any highway do you think we
are, Scully?"
"I haven't a clue. God only knows where we are, but if we keep
going in one direction, we'll reach the end of the course and
have that report to write up." She was beginning to wonder if
any of her instincts were correct. The clues and the evidence
were strangely perplexing. "Mulder?"
"Yes, Scully?"
"Does this all make any sense whatsoever to you? Because
I'm starting to doubt if I can form even a theory right now."
"It doesn't seem like your average exercise. Maybe they've
modelled this one on our experiences. Strange, confusing,
at times not making any sense. You know we're infamous for
that type of investigation."
Scully stopped. "I wonder who wrote this one, Mulder. Because
the last few items make very little sense."
"Maybe we're being had?"
"I don't know. I do know we're being monitored, we have our
compasses, some so-called evidence and that list. So before
they assess both you AND me of paranoia, I suggest we just
get on with the rest of the day and see what we can come up
with."
"Maybe it'll just hit us. I don't know, Scully. Sunflower
seeds?
"
"No thanks, but you dig in. I have a couple of energy bars."
"Whole grain, sugarless and bland, I'll bet. And no salt."
"Uh huh." Scully read as she walked. After about ten minutes,
she walked over to a little shrub and found two small American
flags.
Mulder put them in his backpack. "God bless America. Shall I
lead for a while?"
"Sure. Look, let's sit down for a couple of minutes. I know
you could use the break, too."
Mulder nodded. "I could use a coffee right now."
Scully nodded. "I swore I could smell some a minute ago. I
guess I could use one myself."
"Don't look at me. I didn't bring any, and neither did you,
right?"
"Sorry. Looks like it's clouding over, Mulder. That's all we
need right now. Rain."
"We won't let that get in the way of our 'investigation', or
whatever it is. Oops, I forgot. We're being monitored."
"Well, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we rested for a few
minutes, Okay. ready to get going again?"
"Ready when you are. Why are you taking the lead in this,
Scully? You must want this over with in a heck of a hurry!"
Mulder felt his partner's sudden enthusiasm for this
nonsensical 'case' quite amusing.
"You bet. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we get
coffee. "What about you, Mulder? Any thoughts or theories?"
"No, and I'm beginning to think that if anything, maybe we're
being tested on our willingness to follow instructions no
matter how bizarre they may be."
Scully smiled. "When I was in high school, the sisters once
had us running around in circles all day, trying to find out
how a mouse could be so stupid as to go for the poison bait
every time, and none of us could realize that they simply
had to take it because they were hungry! We thought there
had to be a much more complex explanation. But we looked in
every book about animals we could think of. No one researched
extermination methods."
"Then what are we missing, Scully?"
"Something obvious, is my guess. Something we wouldn't
normally think of... "
They continued on for about a half hour, and it began to rain
lightly, but they were determined to get this little assignment,
test, or whatever it was, over and done with. It was Mulder who
caught sight of something hanging from a maple tree. "Scully,
another clue. Either that or there's a sales promotion going on
at the local mall." There was a zip-top plastic bag containing two
ball caps, handing within reach.
Scully grabbed the bag. "FBI, Mulder. Well, at least it's the
right team."
"I was hoping for Yanks caps. Do you smell that?"
"Smell coffee? Mulder, maybe you should cut down. Maybe
we both should."
"Strange. Now it's not there. Well, at least we can keep our
heads dry."
Scully tossed him a cap and kept walking. "Of all the stupid
damn excercises they could have thought up... I hope to get
them by the *#&%'s and personally... "
Another boom of the bull horn assaulted their ears. "Hey,
complain to your superiors when you get back. Mmm... This
coffee hits the spot!"
"Scully," Mulder cautioned. "Watch your language!"
She shot an angry look at Mulder and shook her head. "You're
thinking it; as a surgeon, I could make it look good," she
whispered.
"That's out of character for you. But if it's your new thing,
I like it. So, let's get those candy bars and water. I don't
know about you, but I could consume them. I know. That would
be destroying evidence."
"I don't know what we're supposed to gain from all this. I've
thought about, murder, kidnapping, kidnapping-murder,
missing persons... "
"Aliens?" Mulder was hoping.
"You wish. No, I hadn't considered anything in the paranormal.
How about you?"
"Nothing fits together, Scully. I have no profile. No one
except an idiot would set up this kind of case. Even the
most exasperating cases usually provide more cohesive
evidence than this. I'd almost think this was a practical
joke. Unless it's... a diversion."
"A way to keep us out of the Hoover? I've been thinking
about that myself, Mulder. But why?"
"The usual reason: Searching the office to see what we have,
keeping us away from something that's going on there... "
"Maybe. But on the off chance this is a legitimate test,
let's keep going and then we can find out when we get back
to DC." She took Mulder's walking stick and continued as the
rain became slightly heavier.
Mulder found the candy bars just as there was a cloud burst.
"You don't think they arranged this, do you?"
Scully smirked and shook her head. "Just keep those in the
bag and think about what kind of idiot would set this up as a
training exercise."
"Apparently, one who has kids who sell candy bars to raise
money for their schools, Scully. Look, they resemble the ones
Martinson was trying to get rid of in Washington."
"They do look familiar. Well, maybe we're looking for someone
who was trying to push their kids' candy bars off on someone
and messed with a nasty co-worker." As much as Scully tried
not to think about it, she actually wanted to tamper with the
evidence. The energy bars had worn off.
They hadn't gone much further before they found two bottles
of water. The end to the test couldn't be that far away, but
there were no theories considered on either part, and the
rain only became heavier.
"You do realize that we have two more miles to go," Mulder
reminded his partner. "We're hungry, we're thirsty and we're
tired."
"Don't remind me, Mulder. It's about three now. Two more
miles... then what? Debriefing?"
"Only if you close your eyes, Scully."
"Oh, right! Make fun of this! We're soaked to the skin, have
no theories, they grabbed our cell phones, and there's edible
evidence! What the hell are they up to?" She waited to hear
the voice of the man who had been monitoring them. There
was no voice.
"Scully... "
"Yeah. I didn't hear anybody. This smells like a set up."
"That's just what I was thinking. What's the date today?"
"May 7. Why?"
"Stop walking a minute and let's put things together.
Remember that memo we received two weeks ago
from upstairs?"
"The Wanamaker memo?"
"No, not that one. That was about sponsoring the annual run.
Think about it." Mulder waited patiently for his partner to
think back to that day. "Any thoughts?"
"There was one memo I didn't really pay much attenton to
because it seemed so childish the way it was worded... "
"Uh huh. Keep talking, you'll get it. Wind the tape forward
to this morning. The little poems on the cards."
Scully tried to find some connection between the cards and
the idiotic memo. "There's something related, but I just
can't put my finger on it. I guess it was the poor quality
of... the poetry!"
"Yeah. Does this ring a bell, Scully? 'Come one, come all,
You'll have a ball. Red, white and blue: We're having a do.
The annual thing is happening this spring. Vern Radwell,
Picnic Committee.'"
"We've been roped in. After six years of avoiding it on
purpose, with creative excuses and sometimes on cases.
They've roped us into the annual picnic... Oh my God."
"Yeah. Look at us."
"You are correct!" The voice of Mathers boomed over the bull
horn. The man emerged from shrubbery under the refuge of an
umbrella. Just walk this way, and about ten yards... " He led
them to a state park. There were tents, a huge gazebo, and all
those balloons Mulder and Scully were supposed to find.
The three of them ran to the gazebo in the pouring rain. The
baseball caps hadn't served Mulder and Scully very well.
"Well, well, well... " Kersh, dressed in shorts and tee shirt with
windbreaker looked the agents over. "Don't you two look like
you need some fun... "
"You might have at least eaten the candy bars," Mathers said.
"We didn't want you running out of energy after all the trouble
you went through to get to the annual picnic. "I was damn sure
you'd drink the water, but you didn't want to destroy... "
Mulder remained calm. He wasn't going to give Mathers the
satisfaction of seeing the wet, 6-foot tall agent lose his
temper. "Mathers, you're all wet."
"Well," Kersh said with a smile, "You each have a change of
clothing and showers over in that green building. Of course,
then you have to join in the fun. You know: Family activities,
coffee, fried chicken... "
"The clavicle," Scully sighed. As she and Mulder walked toward
the washrooms, she whispered to Mulder, "If he wasn't our boss,
I'd shove that collar bone right up his... "
"Never mind, Scully. Think of it this way: We can write up
a dandy report about deception within the Bureau, the
taxpayers' money wasted to lure two unsuspecting agents to a
picnic, of all things, and The Gunmen get the exclusive... You
know, you don't look half bad right now, even if you are all
wet."
Scully stormed into the ladies' room and grumbled, "Shut up,
Mulder. Mathers may be listening."
Meanwhile, as Kersh and Mathers remained with the others in
the gazebo, Kersh posed the question, "Shall we announce the
scavenger hunt when the rain lets up?"
END
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