Pattie's Pocketful of X-Fics

He's Back Again!

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Rated: PG 13. May not be suitable for readers pre-13 as there
are some disturbing images.

Category: AU, M POV

Spoilers: Many of Chris Carter's fellow writers, some from other
fellow fanfiction writers, stirred in with a few of my own.

Summary: Once in a while, these characters come back on us.
This time, Mulder describes his latest gripes with this author.


Archive: Gossamer. I will take care of the rest. Others please
ask first.

Author's Note: As some folks think this type of story I write
on occasion is part of a series, I think I could add this to the
other three or four that have Mulder and/or Scully ragging out
on me. Is it a good idea?
Written circa 2004.

It was probably a good thing Mulder had been asleep while Scully
was being interrogated by their captors. The injuries he had
sustained during the beatings had left little strength to do
anything else. As bruises began to appear on his face and
torso, the blisters on his arms and legs were ready to burst,
inviting infection. As he lay on the cement floor of the musty,
dark basement...

"Again, huh?"

Yeah, I was just wondering what Mulder would say if he saw me
writing him so horribly injured. Huh! This time, it's going
to be a better story than the last one. The things one imagines
during a nice session of writing
sometimes. Anyhow...

... his fever climbed and the dreams of fire, broken limbs and
Scully's screams startled him awake.

"Let me guess: another Mulder Torture story, only this time with
Scully tortured as well. Broken bones, bruises, cracked ribs,
damp, dark, moldy basement and restraints. You do know, even
the writers on the show tortured me less than that."

You again! Gee, I knew I smelled that aftershave, but I thought
it was just wafting up into my room from some guy on the street.
You're here again? Isn't there some other author you could
pester right now? Uh, uh, UH... KEEP your hands away from the
keyboard! We have an agreement. Keep to it.

"I would love to give Lisa, Linda, 'Tasha, Vickie, Sallie, and
a host of others my fullest dish of hell right now, but most of
them are either just going to bed, sound asleep or about to get
up. You, on the other hand, are fully awake and insist on doing
full harm to me!"

That's right, Mulder. You're a gun losing, haunted, tortured
character. I'm proud to carry on that tradition. Scat! I need
to do this.

"Yeah, right. And I need to learn how to knit. Look, just for
once, can't you do me a favor and write me into a story where
there's a lot of good things happening, Scully and I solve the
case relatively unharmed... "

And they all live happily ever after? No. Mulder, you know very
well as FBI Agents, you and Scully are often in danger.
Especially due to your search for The Truth. All of those freaky
creatures you've met have given it to you, too. Good grief,
it wouldn't have had any suspense if anyone had put you in
Green Gables. Besides, FBI doesn't stand for 'Fuzzy Blubbering

"I'm an intelligent character, and I don't get any of the
happiness I deserve."

Well, congratulations for figuring that out. Crime fighting,
federal investigations, and the paranormal are your bread and
butter, Mulder. Think of what you've done for Scully's

"And to it. I'm responsible for her cancer..."

Personal note: Another cancer arc fic with lots of Mulder
angst and self-blame.

".. the loss of her sister..."

Personal note: Scully blaming Mulder for Melissa's death
and lashing out at him.

"You think it's funny. All you cackling hens at those websites
just aiming at me from head to toe. Heck, you can't even leave
my mind alone!"

Mental note: Mulder has a meltdown. Your mind is a great thing
to mess with, dear! Oh, I think I get it now. You're just in a
snit because Daddy Chris hasn't put you into that movie yet, and
the fanfic is a little slow lately! By the way, where is Scully?

"She's doing a survey among the other characters of other shows
to find out just how they feel about fanfic writers. Her study
sample is so large, I don't think she'll be reading much of
anything until another few days or so."

Cool. Don't you wish she were looking in with you?

"Well, some people like... Oh no, you're not going to get me
to comment an all the combinations and permutations of Scully
and me and the various situations people have us in. I'm not
going there. I'm certainly not going to give you any ideas!"

How do you spell "permutations"? Ohh, hey! Don't press close
without saving first! DON'T touch the keyboard!

"You're using my visit here as material for a story?"

You're a real person? Hey, leave the vanilla scented shampoo
alone. I'm talking to you.

"Look. Can't you put Scully and me into a relatively nice,
smooth investigation where we end up..."

You can't have happily ever after, Mulder! That's boring!
Nothing to fight, search for or recover from equals no stories
in this fandom. So, thank your lucky stars many writers,
including me, care enough to still write about you in stories
with pathos, drama, humor, horror and suspense.

"Well, excu-u-use me!"

Hey, calm down. I know it's not easy being you. So, if you'll
go and poke other writers to do their thing, we'll all be happy.
Personally, I'm noticing there hasn't been a lot to read lately,
and I am trying to get something done here. Remember, for every
writer you poke, give suggestions, even nag, there's bound to
be more of your adventures with Scully and the gang.

"Yeah, but it really isn't necessary to put me in danger so often.
You know, many Agents just do their job without getting hurt, go
home and that's it!"

Well, not you and Scully. And please, before you go, take those
sunflower seed shells with you. You know the drama, suspense and
mystery are what attract most people to the show and the fics.

"Sure. That's a given. But, I have a whole list of things YOU
have been doing to me in fanfiction lately, and you're coming up
with them awfully fast... "

Thanks for the compliment, fictitious G-Man. You have a list?
Are you keeping tabs on us?

"Oh yeah. Ever since I started looking in on you people. Scully
thought it was a wonderful idea. Let's see... Okay. Here we
are. Your latest violations of my body, mind and spirit."

Wait! Are you reading my files or going to the internet sites?

"Oh, the internet sites. Some slap happy lady threatened to have
me singing castralto when I tried to look over her shoulder, so
I promised Scully and the rest of the fanfiction characters for
other TV shows I wouldn't let anyone start that kind of a trend.
You should see what someone was going to do with Beaver Cleaver
when he tried to access files. It wasn't pretty. Anyhow, I do
have my list of writers AND their fics. Your entries are pretty

Thank you! Just trying to keep you in view. Uh, that 'slap-happy
lady' who threatened she'd render you a gelding... It was Vickie,
wasn't it!? Oh, tell me it was! I LOVE the things she has you
mixed up in!!!

"Must you smile when you ask that?"

Yes. I MUST! I think it's the cardinal rule of Mulder Torture.
Didn't you say something about a list?

"Right here. One whopper of a list, too. Not to mention at least
three brazen incidents involving running thread stories. Going on
four, I suspect."

Thank you, again, Mulder! That means I'm prolific at what I do
to you. Even if I put you a bit out of character at times, just
be thankful I refuse to put you in fuzzy slippers and lacy
garments. What's the blank, scornful stare about? Oh, all right.
Get on with it. Don't sit there, Mulder. I'd advise you to stay
standing for your own safety.

"Recently you have had me sitting in an alley in old, worn
clothes rambling deliriously about having lost my job and
trying hard to forget everything ever happened. Then I woke up
in a hospital bed... "

With Scully reassuring you and letting you know you'd only
sustained a minor concussion and some bruises while chasing a
crook. See? You're always alive in the end, and this time the
perpetrator was caught.

"To continue... You had Scully recount the many ways I was teased,
discredited and even harrassed in the halls of the Hoover. To
top it all off, you decided one Tom Colton would be the most
tenacious teaser, and there was a showdown at his home in front of
his wife, during which time I was battered, he was battered, and I
ended up pushing his face into a pile of 'doggie doo-doo'. Classic
camp if ever I've read it."

Well, there was a need for fics in which Mulder would be
mercilessly teased by colleagues and deal with it, so I just filled
the need. Face it, teasing hurts.

"You admit it! Another blatant excuse to torture me under the
guise of having me solve the problem. Shame on you."

You read it, too! Man, this is just too cool! Well, don't look
so disgusted, Mulder. You ARE known as 'Spooky' Mulder, and as
I recall, the teasing at the Bureau stopped. Didn't I make it
all better in the end?

"As I was saying... One Agent Mulder distrusts Agent Scully under
the influence of subliminal suggestions... "

Scully pulled you out of that one, too. So, don't bug me. I'm
really getting tired of this visit, Mulder. Go bug someone else.
You said you had a long list to get through with your host of
grievances against them, so get going.

"I'm not finished yet."

Yes you are. I have an episode to watch tonight, shower to take
and my hair to set. Aw, you've totally turned me away from that
dark basement.

"Now look who's getting pissed off."

I am NOT getting... Okay. So I am getting edgy. New leather

"Yeah. The fifth one this month. And it's a slow month for us.
Don't change the subject. Now I have a lot of authors to tell
off and your list of offences against me and Scully is quite

More reason to go poke the others. You know it's become a bit
slow at the sites, so you shouldn't waste your time here. The
best thing you could possibly do for your popularity is to go
straight over to the other authors' places and give them a piece
of your virtual mind, then gently prod them for stories.

"Well, I have this idea for you to... "

Mulder, I have a few ideas of my own. Really. Get out there and
campaign for your character!

"But I have to..."

Save As. Close. Rename. Proof read. Done. Now, what's next on
my agenda?

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