Pattie's Pocketful of X-Fics

This is Our Life

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Rated: PG

Spoiler: Amor Fati.

Summary: Mulder recounts his dream life under Spender's
influence versus his real life, with all its pain.

Category: MA, X-File.

Archive: Gossamer and any other good home. Please tell me.

Feedback: Sure.

Disclaimer: Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Studios
own the rights to the characters, the series title and the
original plots. There is no copyright infringement intended
on my part and absolutely no money made by me.
(Boo hoo hoo...)

She came to see me in the hospital. How she knew I was
there, I knew. It was HIM. He called her there. He created
me with her. Mother was actually there to see if I was all
right, to express her concern.

I cried out to her mentally, yet she did not hear me.
Louder and louder, "Mom! MOM!!! MOM, COME BAAACK!!!" How
could she hear my thoughts anyway? My mouth wasn't working

He was there. The cigarette smoking son-of-a-bitch who had
been bent on destroying my work for years, was in my hospital
room. Offering me a "road not taken", while Scully was
desperately working to keep us on the right road. The road of
reality. The Road to The Truth.

One injection, and I was able to avoid reading others'
thoughts, and walk out of the hospital on my own power. Yet,
there was something unreal, not quite right. All seemed like
a dream, a part of me reasoned. That part of me was being
tampered with. Too weak to fight it.

"I'm offering you the life you never led." Write that down
as a sales line that's too good to be true. Mark it with a
red exclamation point and file it under "Snake Oil".
Riding around with 'Dad' in the middle of the night, in my
hospital pajamas, handcuffs binding me to this illusion. He
was smoking. Smoke. Why couldn't I think smoke and mirrors.
That's what the whole charade was.

It all seemed tangible. Touch. Taste. The smells and the
tastes. All seemed real, yet they were not. He and his
scheming doctors were fooling with my brain. And where was I
but on a cold operating table, my head being literally messed
with by my nemesis. What kind of father subjects his son to
such invasion and deception but one C.G.B. Spender. And Diana
Fowley was right by his side to delude me, dissuade me and keep
me from my path. Scully was not to be found. They told me she
had to be left behind in order for me to live this fantasy

The fantasy life: A life where Deep Throat didn't die after
Scully shot him, the fridge was full of my favorite snacks,
Samantha was a healthy woman with children of her own. A
fantasy life where I was having children and a house with
Fowley. Time passed faster than a baseball at record speed. I
let my world end for a dream.

Because I was subjected to "This is Your Life, Fox Mulder",
the world was invaded and Scully was dead. I called out to
her and he, the illusion creator, told me she was dead. He
wanted me to carry on the fight, but decided to do it for
himself. He let me go to the brink of my death knowing that
I had had a fulfilled life, and never prevented Colonization
and War. I soaked up all the pleasure and happiness I could

Maybe he was telling me someting, in doing this. Telling me
what I needed to give up in order to have love, life,
happiness, I guess. Fowley at least had the decency to pull
out of the conspiracy, the charade. Perhaps this was because
she knew she couldn't love me as Scully could. She was the
reason Scully found me after all of my calling and pleading
for her to appear. And appear she did. She worked her butt off
to save me in the real realm.

She never gave up on me. She took care of the botched brain
tampering and illicit medical practices that Spender had
subjected me to. My constant, my touchstone. She was there
when everything seemed lost. We found each other and there
was to be no separation ever again, at least in my mind.

My life has been a series of disappointments and deceptions.
She gave me a Truth that surpassed every other truth I had
known. She gave me my life back when I was abducted, my life
added to when she bore William. The Truth was us. It still is.

Now, I want to give her the best real life I can. If that
means we must first fight the demons that linger to deceive us
and colonize our world, that's what we will do. We have sworn
that to each other... that it must never be any other way.
Nothing is worth having unless it is worked for or, in our
case, fought for.

How could a mother leave her son to the devices of a conniving,
selfish miscreant, actually agreeing to "the plan". Her only
living child! Having loved my Mom and hoping her stroke would
not take her from me, I felt abandoned as she left the hospital
room to let old "Smokey" do his evil. And when your FBI partner
with whom you've virtually shared your life seems to care more
for you than your own mother in saving you... that speaks

Scully gives the motherly hugs and kisses, but she gives me
much more than that. She gives me reality, a someone to trust
and believe in when everyone else lets me down. My partner, my
doctor, my best friend. Perhaps I am all to her as she is to
me. There is more and I see it in her eyes, feel it in my
heart and soul, and we reflect off of each other.

If one looks for someone to complement their being, to add
a sense of completeness, wholeness, I have found my other

Now, I have hope.

This is hope.

This is OUR life. I'll be damned if I let anyone take that away
from us. We fight for the future together.


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