As I begin this entry, William has

settled after a very trying day. His
first tooth is trying to cut through

and my poor little guy is in pain.

Tonight, I realize I've been in so

much pain for the six months Mulder
has been gone.  Fleeting anonymous

internet encounters, through
anonymous temporary accounts no

longer encourage me.  I see myself

in the mirror in the morning

looking truly drawn, lost, depressed. 

I know he'll keep himself safe and

I pray so for him each night.

He says to keep William close to me

so he can feel him, too.  I'm
planning to wean William in another

month or so because my new partners
need my help.  I need to stay

working to keep my mind occupied. 

My mother will be around guarding

William as I put the work clothes

back into service.  Thank God she

doesn't despise me after all the

years of losses, pain, worry and

suffering.

She says Mom's never run out of

love: they refill themselves

everyday. And so I find my love for

William growing and filling me up

to overflowing. My love for Mulder

is permanent and still growing.

After I brought William home, and

settled in, the Lone Gunmen visited

me briefly, bringing gifts and

well-wishes.  Mulder and I

discussed the dispostion of

his belongings and furniture. 

Luckily, I get to look after

the fish. While they were doing

the night time manouvering,

Mulder stayed by my side.  We

talked all night, I fed

William, and Mulder was lying

beside me as I slept between

three-hour interval feedings.

When I awoke, it was 6:37 in the

morning, and he was gone.  We

said our good-byes all night. I

was still healing, but I would

have loved to have had him

completely for one more time 

before I ever had the chance

again.

 

The whole day seemed more tearful

for me than for William, who only
needed his cuddles, feedings and

changings. The worst part of all

was that I had to say to everyone

who called, came to the door or

left messages from work: "He left". 

That's all. He left.  Did I know

where he went?  "No".  Did he tell

me anything?  "No". I felt so

unfaithful to myself and God lying

like that.  Perhaps to lie to save

a life is not a sin.

 

As I wiped my eyes and changed

the bedsheets, I found an envelope

under a pillow on which he had

rested his head hours earlier.

Dear Dana,

I can't encourage you enough to my

own satisfaction, to show you we

will be together and safe again. 

Please pray for me as I know you

always have, always will.  I know

you'll guard our beautiful son as

a mother bear guards her cubs. I

am no e.e. cummings, or William Shakespeare, but I want to

express my feelings for you the

old-fashioned way. I did write

it as you slept.

              IT'S JUST FOR NOW

        When I walk through that door
        It's just for now.
        When you feel lost and lonely
        It's just for now.
        Our hearts will pine in angony.
        It's just for now.
        Wherever I go I'll be with you,
        Your heart with mine.
        We're fighting for a future now!
        All will be fine.

 

All the love in my heart to both of you,

 

                     Fox (Daddy).

 

To this day I keep that poem with me,

even going out with William. When
I go back to work, it will be with me. 

I will even put a copy in our
son's baby book and one on the wall in

my room in a special frame.

Each time I feel lost and lonely,

I'll remember: It's Just For

Now.

 

 

 

Well, I thought Scully deserved a stand alone for a change!

Would that some of the men in my life

would write me poetry.  I might
swoon!