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The Day He Left

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Title:  The Day He Left
Rated:  G
Category: MSR, SA
Spoiler(s):  Nothing Important Happened Today
Summary:  Scully remembers the day
she last saw Fox Mulder before he
went missing.  She remembers it all
too often at this juncture, so her
journal is her only refuge.

10:00 p.m.
As I begin this entry, William has
settled after a very trying day. His
first tooth is trying to cut through
and my poor little guy is in pain.

Tonight, I realize I've been in so
much pain for the six months Mulder
has been gone.  Fleeting anonymous
internet encounters, through
anonymous temporary accounts no
longer encourage me.  I see myself
in the mirror in the morning
looking truly drawn, lost, depressed. 
I know he'll keep himself safe and
I pray so for him each night.

He says to keep William close to me
so he can feel him, too.  I'm
planning to wean William in another
month or so because my new partners
need my help.  I need to stay
working to keep my mind occupied. 
My mother will be around guarding
William as I put the work clothes
back into service.  Thank God she
doesn't despise me after all the
years of losses, pain, worry and

She says Mom's never run out of
love: they refill themselves
everyday. And so I find my love for
William growing and filling me up
to overflowing. My love for Mulder
is permanent and still growing.

After I brought William home, and
settled in, the Lone Gunmen visited
me briefly, bringing gifts and
well-wishes.  Mulder and I
discussed the dispostion of
his belongings and furniture. 
Luckily, I get to look after
the fish. While they were doing
the night time manouvering,
Mulder stayed by my side.  We
talked all night, I fed
William, and Mulder was lying
beside me as I slept between
three-hour interval feedings.

When I awoke, it was 6:37 in the
morning, and he was gone.  We
said our good-byes all night. I
was still healing, but I would
have loved to have had him
completely for one more time 
before I ever had the chance
The whole day seemed more tearful
for me than for William, who only
needed his cuddles, feedings and
changings. The worst part of all
was that I had to say to everyone
who called, came to the door or
left messages from work: "He left". 
That's all. He left.  Did I know
where he went?  "No".  Did he tell
me anything?  "No". I felt so
unfaithful to myself and God lying
like that.  Perhaps to lie to save
a life is not a sin.

As I wiped my eyes and changed
the bedsheets, I found an envelope
under a pillow on which he had
rested his head hours earlier.

Dear Dana,

I can't encourage you enough to my
own satisfaction, to show you we
will be together and safe again. 
Please pray for me as I know you
always have, always will.  I know
you'll guard our beautiful son as
a mother bear guards her cubs. I
am no e.e. cummings, or William Shakespeare, but I want to
express my feelings for you the
old-fashioned way. I did write
it as you slept.

              IT'S JUST FOR NOW

        When I walk through that door
        It's just for now.
        When you feel lost and lonely
        It's just for now.
        Our hearts will pine in angony.
        It's just for now.
        Wherever I go I'll be with you,
        Your heart with mine.
        We're fighting for a future now!
        All will be fine.
All the love in my heart to both of you,
                     Fox (Daddy).
To this day I keep that poem with me,
even going out with William. When
I go back to work, it will be with me. 
I will even put a copy in our
son's baby book and one on the wall in
my room in a special frame.

Each time I feel lost and lonely,
I'll remember: It's Just For

Well, I thought Scully deserved a stand alone for a change!

Would that some of the men in my life
would write me poetry.  I might

Disclaimer:  Mulder, Scully, William, The Lone Gunmen and the whole
fandamly belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Studios. Do
we as North Americans still own our own feelings?  Good.  Nice to know
something's left.